The Best Way To Get Rid Of A Spider :)

SONY DSCNeither was it the first time, nor the last, when last week a spider kind of creepily interrupted me while I was in the shower. One just feels extra vulnerable, you know? Although I’m sure they don’t really know the difference between a human with or without clothes on, but because one feels extra vulnerable naked and wet and relaxed and all that, crammed into a relatively small area of a house that we call the tub, one tends to overreact and panic even if a cricket creeps on them, not to mention a spider, (although a worse scenario would be a cockroach, but let’s not get too extreme here!) 😀 It was indeed only a spider, and I am very well aware that they are probably more afraid of me than I am of them, as most people would be quick to inform me. But wait a minute! I can hear this totally innocent spider say the same thing on the Spider Council to the other spiders…

„My dear brethren, trust me on this, these huge beasts called humans are so stupid and self absorbed that they are probably more afraid of us then we are of them!” He rearranges his glasses for the sake of effect and waits.

After a short silence, a big, fat, hairy spider snorts. Next to him there is a much skinnier looking, strong, shiny, black female.

„Come on, Tegenaria Domestica, they are giants and they are hunting us down! Seriously, did you think you can get away with such a sentimental, liberal idea? They are monsters, they need to be liquidated!” – yells the Black Widow. „I can help you with that! You only bite when you panic, and your bite is worth nothing, let me do the job! At least around this neighborhood!”

„We don’t need to be so violent!” – says the shy but composed Brown Recluse. „We only need to kind of show them who the boss is. I tend to agree with Tegenaria, they are clumsy giants, and we need to scare them so they stay away. Just let me bite them, that will give them a taste of what we are capable of!”

„Oh, for heaven’s sake! Don’t you understand?” – asks the frustrated Jumping Spider. „Whenever they see me, they try to smash me, but of course, they are too stupid to really be a threat! Nonetheless, we can’t assume they are benevolent! We just need to be careful, that’s all, and no matter how agressive they might be, I’m sure with our wit and speed we can manage to coexist with them!’

„I can’t believe my ears!” – cries the Wolf Spider. „Some of you actually suggest trying to co-exist with them? I don’t like their noisy company! It is enough for them to take a look at me and immediately they try to end my life! I sincerely think they only live off of spider-flesh!”

„Brethren, brethren, calm down!” – tries again the innocent little spider with glasses. „They probably think our space is actually theirs, or at least they think they have the right to share it with us, they just simply don’t understand our language and are scared of the cool way we look and hunt and move, because honestly, we’ve got the groove here, right? So I just want every one of us to keep our wits and peace, and…”

The council goes on and on, and who knows what the results may be, but hey, do I really care? A SPIDER IS WATCHING ME WHILE I’M IN THE SHOWER!!! Oooooh, it’s so close, I can sense him and his hunter instincts, and I just wish them to be far, far away from me, as far away as Timbuktu or no, the Mars! That’s it, send them all to Mars! But one can’t shoot all the spiders to Mars in a spaceship, right? Besides, they are very beneficial to humankind, so the biologysts say…

No, I need to act, that’s all that goes through my head at that point. I need to sqeeze them, smash them, smear them, break them,terminate them,  liquidate them! Right now! Before they attack! But with what? With what can I just end their ferocious, beastly, ugly lives?

And here comes my perfect solution, the sole purpose of this blog post! I have tried many, believe me, indeed many ways to end the miserable, evil little jumping lives of these sly, ruthless predators, and you have to give me credit for this, in 99 percent of the cases, I succeeded. But at what cost? By the time I finished, the water got cold, I got cold, I was sweaty, exhausted, frustrated, uncomfortable and absolutely unhappy, since the joyful bliss of the relaxing hot shower got interrupted for a solid 15 minutes of spider-hunt. Yes, my friends, that means jumping, yelling, shrieking, running and doing all sorts of acrobatic exercises for a solid 15 minutes naked and wet and alone in a tiny little space. That is an accomplishment for someone who isn’t crazy about sports!

Let’s take for instance a toothbrush. It has all these bumps and it’s too narrow to be able to do a good job for you, and then, you know, the disgust you feel just looking at it – it was in your mouth a moment ago, and now a dead spider is smeared all over it. Ugh… Or a shampoo bottle. It isn’t even on the bottom, or anywhere, for that matter. Most bottles are just made that way, no squares or rectangles, nicely cut edges, but instead all these curves, so you have to go at the spider a thousand times until you actually get them the right angle to be squished. So, I could go on with all these other items, but as it seems, nobody thinks of liquidating spiders in the bathroom when they create these bathroom supplies, so one has to be smart for themselves…

That’s why I suggest you keep a book in your bathroom at all times. It has the perfect shape, it has cutting edge and if it’s fairly sized, it is the right weight as well, not to mention how well it fits into your hand.

And I don’t just mean the book that you would bring in with you for bathroom breaks because it’s so good that you don’t want to waste precious minutes not reading them, and besides, the bathroom is the best place to read anyway, because those books are too important to use them as weapons against a spider. I did that once, and it just broke my heart, if you know what I mean, – to see the fair, new cover getting spider-gross smears on them, I don’t even want to think about it…  Then again, you don’t want to have a totally non-important book there either, because once or twice you might actually forget bringing in there a book you like, and then it’s the end of the world, right? Because you would have to just browse on your phone or read the spider-killing telephone book, and that would be a waste of time, right? So, I suggest you bring in there a book you started but couldn’t finish, because it just got boring or stuck at that place that was very much like the author got writer’s block or something and you didn’t have that feeling anymore, you know? So you just said to yourself: “Ah, I’ll read it later, let’s read something else now!”. So, this way you might actually finish it someday, or at least try, or re-read the parts you liked, and at the same time kill as many spiders as it’s absolutely necessary (after all, I’m not a heartless murderer!!! If you can shove it out the window, be my guest!). But to make things even more comfortable, make sure it’s a hardcover book – it is so sad when you have to break the spine of a soft cover just because it’s not strong enough to squish a spider with it’s own weight and hard cover…  And if you are squeamish, choose a book that is relatively big, at least bigger than your hand, so that your hand wouldn’t even have to get close to the unwanted intruder, and that has a plastic filming on it, just for protection, you know, against the spider-blood, because even though it’s not the best book, you still wouldn’t want it eaten by spider-acid and painted by their cursed blood…

So, there you have it! You’re welcome! 😀

a Watership Down

P.S. Watership Down is NOT a book I will ever use to kill a spider! I might actually just let the spider live if it was the only two options I had. I mean, seriously, Richard Adams is awesome! Such a massive novel, interesting, engaging, charming and all that, about BUNNIES! Way to go! 🙂

Seagull

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The Seagull

 

High from the Earth I Heard by Emily Dickinson

 

High from the earth I heard a bird;
He trod upon the trees
As he esteemed them trifles,
And then he spied a breeze,
And situated softly
Upon a pile of wind
Which in a perturbation
Nature had left behind.
A joyous-going fellow
I gathered from his talk,
Which both of benediction
And badinage partook,
Without apparent burden,
I learned, in leafy wood
He was the faithful father
Of a dependent brood;
And this untoward transport
His remedy for care,—
A contrast to our respites.
How different we are!

A Good Old Ode to Autumn

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I had to learn this by heart in school, and I loved every minute of memorizing it! — Nostalgia! 😛

Ode to Autumn by John Keats

Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun;
Conspiring with him how to load and bless
With fruit the vines that round the thatch-eaves run;
To bend with apples the mossed cottage-trees,
And fill all fruit with ripeness to the core;
To swell the gourd, and plump the hazel shells
With a sweet kernel; to set budding more,
And still more, later flowers for the bees,
Until they think warm days will never cease,
For Summer has o’er-brimmed their clammy cell.

Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store?
Sometimes whoever seeks abroad may find
Thee sitting careless on a granary floor,
Thy hair soft-lifted by the winnowing wind;
Or on a half-reaped furrow sound asleep,
Drowsed with the fume of poppies, while thy hook
Spares the next swath and all its twined flowers;
And sometimes like a gleaner thou dost keep
Steady thy laden head across a brook;
Or by a cider-press, with patient look,
Thou watchest the last oozings, hours by hours.

Where are the songs of Spring? Ay, where are they?
Think not of them, thou hast thy music too,—
While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day,
And touch the stubble-plains with rosy hue;
Then in a wailful choir, the small gnats mourn
Among the river sallows, borne aloft
Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies;
And full-grown lambs loud bleat from hilly bourn;
Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft
The redbreast whistles from a garden-croft,
And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.

Just A Bit Of Lord-Poetry ;)

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Beautiful City by Lord Alfred Tennyson


Beautiful city, the center of European confusion,

O you with your passionate shriek for the rights of an equal humanity,

How often your Re-volution has proven but E-volution

Roll’d again back on itself in the tides of civic insanity!

One minute story by István Örkény

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In Sibiu

Official Statement by the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

Thanks to a long and heated debate championed by the members of our Society, the Rabbit Stew and Fish Soup Plant has just inaugurated a new workshop dedicated to opening the newly sealed tins.

At the workshop which is called The Can Opener the newly canned tins of rabbit stew and fish soup are reopened, drained of liquid, and the chunks of meat and fish are reconstituted and taken back to their original habitat, where they are released.

We herewith wish to express our sincere gratitude to the management of the Rabbit Stew and Fish Soup who have at last come to understand the true meaning of humanitarianism.

(From the book: One Minute Stories translated by Judith Sollosy.)

The Golden Wooled Rams – Hungarian Fairy Tale Collected by Elek Benedek, Part 2.

He threw about one-two stacks of hay again and let his sheep eat it all. Next morning came, and the giant was there as well. He yelled from afar:

„Quickly, lad, quickly kill thirty-three sheep and one golden wooled ram for me, because I didn’t eat breakfast today!”

What could he do? He killed thirty-three sheep and the golden wooled ram as well. The giant ate all of it in three bites and walked away merrily.

He had thirty-three sheep and one golden wooled ram left exactly. His heart wept when he looked at them. If the giant eats these as well, he can go out into the world lonely as one finger.

The third morning came as well, and the giant arrived, shouting from afar:

„Hey, lad! Are those sheep still alive? Kill them all in an instant, because if not, you will die a terrible death!”

The lad begged him, implored him to leave that small flock alive, but the giant didn’t want to leave him one sheep-tail.

„Hey, do you hear me?” said the giant to the lad. „Don’t stall for time! Tear the sheep out of their skin at once! If not, I will mock you to death!”

The lad killed all of the sheep, the ram as well, threw the huge amount of meat into the cauldron, and stirred it, stirred it with a long staff bitterly.

Suddenly the giant, (who knows, what he was thinking?), lay down near the fire and fell asleep.

„Why, just wait, you godless monster,” thought the lad, „I know one thing: you will not eat from this meat!” Then he took one spoonful of grease out of the hot cauldron and threw it on the eyes of the giant. The giant cried a horrible cry and sprang to his feet.  He treaded here, he treaded there, he wanted to trample on the lad somehow.

„Why, you little mite,” cried the giant, „you have taken my sight but be careful not to end up in my hands because then you will suffer!”

He walked here, he ran there, he circled around, but he didn’t have enough wit and sight to catch the lad. The giant thougth: „You will never-ever in a million years catch him this way, silly! You have to do it with brains!” He started to butter him up, fawningly ask him to take him here and there if he blinded him wickedly, and with sugary words promised him he will do him no harm.

„I will not take you anywhere!” said the lad. „You would like to eat me as well, wouldn’t you? Well, you will certainly not!”

The giant said: „I can see, that you are not easily outwitted, shepherd boy! Fine, go with peace! But since I have eaten your flock, I don’t want you to suffer, I will give you a ring, put that on your finger, and you will see how useful it will be to you when you’re on your own in the world.”

The giant threw down a ring to him, and the lad quickly put it on his pinky finger.

Well, as soon as the ring was on his finger, it started to yell:

„Here, here, blind giant! Here, here, blind giant!”

Hey-ho! The lad was alarmed, because the giant started to come in the direction of the ring’s voice. Well, what should he do? The blind giant will surely trample him to death! He tried to take the ring off, but that stuck to his finger like a leech and he couldn’t take it off. What could he possibly do? He suddenly took out his pocket-knife and cut his finger off. There was a fathomless lake nearby and he threw his finger with the ring into it. The ring was yelling even in the lake: „Here, here, blind giant! Here, here, blind giant!”

The giant went after it, and he suddenly stepped into the fathomless lake. He sank and he never saw the blessed sun of God again.

„Well, I don’t have to be afraid of him anymore” said the lad. „But now I have to go alone into the world.”